Who shot that arrow in your throat?

4:05 AM

2012-01-28T23:07:00.001+08:00

People make mistakes. People make bad choices. Out of anger, confusion, sadness. Out of a collation of unexplainable, mashed up emotions. Out of sheer spur of the moment stupidity.

But we rather forget than seek forgiveness because the shame of apologizing surpasses the need to make anybody else feel better other than ourselves.

2:45 AM

2011-12-26T02:43:00.001+08:00

7:00 PM

2011-12-07T18:53:00.002+08:00

"One day you’ll wonder when the last time you cried was, and find you can’t remember. That’s great, you’ll think, no one can hurt you now. No one can touch you. You are a pristine and impenetrable fortress of stoicism. Everything is blank and immaculate.

Carry on and don’t give it another thought. Not until someone asks you how you feel and you don’t have an answer because you just don’t know. Not until something happens and you laugh when you were supposed to cry because somewhere along the way the wires got crossed. Not until someone is sitting in front of you, spewing their feelings and begging for yours and all you can think is what a mess they’ve made in the place you’ve worked so hard to keep so tidy."

— Julie Beck, Thought Catalog

10:19 PM

2011-11-12T23:32:00.001+08:00

"I start to see that I surround myself with broken people; more broken than me. Ah, yes, let me count your cracks. Let’s see, one hundred, two… yes, you’ll do nicely. A cracked companion makes me look more whole, gives me something outside myself to care for. When I’m with whole, healed people I feel my own cracks, the shatters, the insanities of dislocation in myself."

— Julie Gregory, Sickened: The Memoir of a Munchausen by Proxy Childhood

1:13 AM

2011-11-11T00:58:00.001+08:00

You're the only thread that keeps me intact, that keeps my heart whole, that keeps my sanity from trickling down the cracks. I stay because like no one else, you have so much love suppressed in you it burns you up on the inside. How it swallows you up sometimes, how much you ache. One day we will grow old and we will move on, but for now we will breathe the same fate, and dance to a beat only we can hear.

4:43 AM

2011-11-05T04:01:00.002+08:00

"Sometimes I think God is like weather - you may not like the weather,
but it has nothing to do with you. You just happen to be there. Deal with it.
Sadness and grief are part of being human and always will be."

— Douglas Coupland, Hey Nostradamus!

4:44 AM

2011-10-23T04:44:00.009+08:00

I'm just so afraid
That the nightmare is here to stay
That the nightmare will begin all over again
That this ache, this underlying ache will grow into something bigger than myself.

9:03 PM

2011-10-09T18:08:00.000+08:00

Contradiction, white lies, pretending, becoming somebody you never want to be.. That's crap. You don't change yourself for the sake of others around you. You don't change yourself for those who don't give a fuck about your well-being. And you god damn don't change yourself because you feel fucking obliged to. You change to be a better person, not a two fucking faced liar.

Fucking scary. Everything's been scary. The whole evolution of humans creeps me out. How people change from something we quite like, to something we said we'd never be. Which leads me to square one. Why da fuck?

5:40 PM

2011-09-30T17:34:00.004+08:00

So entirely in love with these two little pumpkin pies.

♥♥♥

4:11 AM

2011-09-28T22:16:00.000+08:00

Maybe it's time to stop hesitating.

Maybe it's time to stop sticking my toes in the water.

For once, just stop being so caught up with emotions, so caught up with what ifs.
For once, just triumph over the fear.

Maybe only then will the soul stop feeling so undone.

It's about time, to be honest.
Xoxo.

2:38 AM

2011-09-26T02:05:00.000+08:00

4:14 AM

2011-09-21T01:35:00.002+08:00

It sucks how your past mistakes will come haunting you time and time again. When you least expects it. Have you ever regretted something so much you’d kill for time to rewind so you’d be able to make things right again? Undo everything that you’d done wrong? Why can’t some things just move on and never reemerge? Ever?

All the things you’d ever done, it returns, someway or another. Back stabs, deceit, dirty little secrets, hypocrisy, pretense? Happiness, kisses, hope, truth, sincerity, forthright kindness? You can’t bounce it off. You can no longer keep up with pretending it doesn't affect you. Cause it's all right there. Within you. How the fuck do you suppress what’s in you?

They say what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.
How untrue. How ironic.

Have a lovely day everyone.

3:31 AM

2011-09-18T03:17:00.000+08:00

I never know why I do the things I do.
Risk so much for mere moments of thrills.
The pleasure's stupid, but the pleasure feels so right.
To lose it all sometimes, it seems like the safest place I could conjure up.

I don't feel like I've grown up all that much.
I don't wish to disappoint, but I don't know how much longer I can keep up.

I long to feel alive again.

12:19 AM

2011-09-07T00:18:00.002+08:00

I never try I'll never be happy
I try and I risk rocking this boat

Risk.
Is a grand word.

Safe and content,
Is it even possible to keep this up?

1:51 AM

2011-08-29T00:03:00.002+08:00

I think people deserve to be happy. Despite it hurting the people around them, despite the lies and the excuses. Everyone's in their discreet pursuit of happiness- Some a little more determined and overbearing than the rest, but who are we to judge? Who's to say that we wouldn't be in the exact same shoes one day?

Oblivion always seems to be the road with the least obstacles.

Have a lovely day everyone.

1:18 AM

2011-08-24T01:18:00.003+08:00

"Remember that pain is inevitable but wallowing in misery is always optional.
Choose to be happy."
- Bronnie Ware.

True that, Ms. Ware, true that.

Read! Yahoo article: 5 regrets people have on their deathbeds.
So, smile! Or something.

Xoxo.

2:08 AM

2011-08-15T23:00:00.004+08:00

We've all grown up now.
Just take a step back and take a look at yourself.

Do you like you?

3:04 AM

2011-08-13T17:24:00.001+08:00

Maybe it's fine to say that it'll never be the same. Maybe it's just me. Maybe we're just victims of time - the fast moving pace of it, the things that it carries along with it as it goes.

It's odd how people change. But yet they do, all the time, and it's inevitable. People can change so much till they come to the point of being unrecognisable. Till they become something else entirely. Events changes people. Every single day something could change somebody. Sometimes it's noticeable, sometimes it makes its presence known gradually. But it happens nevertheless.

I don't know you anymore. How much everything that used to feel right feels all wrong. How much it feels like pretense. Maybe I've just been too preoccupied with myself to notice the little events that changes you. It kills me to let go of something I've always clung on so tightly to, but I can't amend the pieces that don't fit anymore. Maybe it's the time to stop trying.

Let me drown myself in ice cold jugs of chocolate milk.

5:07 PM

2011-08-06T18:52:00.003+08:00

Sometimes words get too choked up in my head.
Sometimes I don't trust myself that it'll come off right.

I like talking, but I don't like spouting emotional bullshit.
Heart on your sleeves, it has always brought more harm than good.

Have a lovely day.

8:12 PM

2011-08-04T20:12:00.000+08:00

Stop making a big deal out of everything.
Like all the evil love does, it's only gonna push me away.

8:58 PM

2011-07-29T20:58:00.004+08:00

"..Nobody has any control, dont you think? Control is only but a deception. Life itself has plans for you that’s playing out right now, on its own, without any intervention. No matter what you do, life is going to win. You can never could control anything. It is foolish to try. You’ve just got to let go. Let life’s flow carry you along in its current. Don’t resist. Sit back and enjoy the ride. Watch where life takes you. Life will always win. Give it up. Learn to let go."

Sit back and enjoy the ride.
Now that is just lovely.

Hugs and kisses!

10:17 PM

2011-07-18T22:17:00.001+08:00

The harder you try to hold me back, the harder I'll try to leave.

Tie me in, push me away.
Steer closer, drifting further.

It has always been this way.
It is my way of stopping myself from breaking apart.
You can't fix anyone. I can't change what's already you.

I'm oiling rusty parts, I'm tightening up loose ends.
All I'm doing is fixing myself.

All I want to do is make things right.
All I want to do is to see a smile on your face.

11:58 PM

2011-06-28T18:25:00.020+08:00

So here are the people I just met two months ago. It feels weird saying that, sometimes it feels like I've known them forever. We bare our souls to each other sometimes.

Or maybe just those parts.
The parts that we want everyone to see.

Aisyah, Feefit, Amy and friends forever Dan!

My classmates have been amazing in their own way. Class-wise, I don't think things could have worked out better.

Nad, Dee and Atiqah.
Extra awesome to hang out with, I kid you not!

I don't know how this whole school things gonna work out. Fuck it and go with the flow, that's all I've been doing. I don't know where that's gonna get me, but hopefully just some place golden.

Have a nice day everyone.
Hugs and kisses!

Doll parts

2011-05-24T03:32:00.007+08:00

I only act the way I do to conceal my own emotions. To pretend I'm never really affected by words, when it kills me inside. To appear so strong when i'm bursting at the seams. To appear so ignorant and oblivious when I notice every single fuck that happens. You don't know how much it hurts never being able to be true to yourself.

I can't be myself.
Maybe we all can't.

Maybe it's always been true.
You'll never be able to truly know anyone.

Here I am.

2011-05-20T22:17:00.000+08:00

Life contradicts itself again and again.
When there is some truth in your fiction, it's contradiction.
But when there is some fiction in your truth, are you lying?

Perfect.

2011-01-04T21:34:00.003+08:00

The ocean's turning.

2010-12-22T03:02:00.004+08:00

Because loving hurts you like a leech.
It hangs on to you and sucks you dry.
It makes you helpless.
It makes you fucking weak.

It's quicksand, it's drowning.
It's being vulnerable.

No, I don't like loving.

Nah.

2010-12-22T00:16:00.000+08:00

This 30 day challenge's a drag.
OH FUCK IT.

Day 9.

2010-12-21T23:31:00.005+08:00

30 day challenge: Something you’re proud of in the past few days.

I've been living.
I've been optimistic.

If there's anything I could be proud of,
is the fact that everything's solid.

To see your life quivering on your fingertips
To barely hold on to the edge of the world
To feel your heart bursting at the seams

I can feel my feet on stable ground.
I can breathe without a cloud of doubt fogging my lungs.

And it feels like warmth reaching your skin
when you have resigned to the fact that you're submerged, and you're drowning.

Sincerely lost,
Found.

Day 8.

2010-12-20T00:26:00.003+08:00

30 day challenge: Short term goals for this month and why.

Carefree little soul.

That's all I'd like to be.

Like vines, we intertwine.

2010-12-19T03:09:00.001+08:00

I’m drowning by the dryness of my patience

and I decay like rusted thoughts you breath away.

It seems that stupid things will always be stupid after all.
Its funny how I’d find myself facing the wall.
Pins and needles, and that's all it feels like.

It's in you, he said
everything's only in you.

Day 7.

2010-12-18T23:03:00.004+08:00

30 day challenge: A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you.

My dad.

For he made me all I am, for he believes, for he catches me when I fall.
For like a tree, he shelters.

♥ A mountain full of gratitude, no less, for bringing me into your world.

Day 6.

2010-12-18T21:37:00.005+08:00

Day 6 on December 18, this shows how much of a failure I am at commitments.

30 day challenge: Favourite superhero and why.

Violet from The Incredibles.

I'm really not a fan of action movies, but I really liked The Incredibles. I know it doesn't count as an action movie.. But superheroes.. Incredibles? Anyway, if I had a choice I'd like to have Violet's superpowers. She can turn invisible! Endless possibilities of amusing antics, no? Plus she can use a special force field to protect herself and levitate objects too. Make objects come to you without moving a muscle.. Check. Score for the lazy pigs! Favourite superhero, no doubt.

Day 5.

2010-12-10T17:55:00.010+08:00

30 day challenge: Somewhere you've been to.

Universal Studios on the 6th.
I went home halfway melted from the heat and soaked from the wet rides.

I'd love to go again. The crowds plus heat were unbearable that day and I had to queue and wait for most rides. I had to wait for almost half an hour just to pay for the stuff I wanted to buy, but it was honestly worth the wait cause everythin they had was mad cute. ^.^

The rides aren't that scary. Everyone was gushing over how I didn't scream for any rides and joked that I lack feelings in general (Har. Har. Har.), but fact is I wasn't going to contribute to the torture of my dying ears. My sister and cousins screamed. And by screamed I meant blood curling, high pitched I'm-gonna-bloody-die screeching. Seriously.

I had Final Destination falling roller coaster flashbacks a lot.
I kept thinking how ugly I would die if the seat decided to fall out.
But it didn't, thank you god.

That's it for somewhere I've been to.
I've been missing so much days for this challenge, but I'll make it up.

(:

Day 4.

2010-12-04T14:47:00.008+08:00

30 day challenge: A habit I wish I didn't have.

Regretting.

I wish I could just accept things for what it is, and let it go as it should be. But this mind overthinks, and the clockworks in my mind ticks in overdrive. I have guilt and sympathy that clouds my judgment everytime, even though I know what it can cost me. Mad overanalysing mind, fuck you.

People make mistakes, and people LEARN.

Does it help that when it comes to learning.. It'll take a slow, gradual process and a few lessons before it'll plant itself in my head? And even so it manages to disappear when I need it the most and only arrives after remorse sets in?

There it is, a habit I wish I didn't have.

I realise that I could have given a less complicated one such as my lack of urgency when it comes to being on time.

See what I mean?
Overanalysing mind, fuck you.

Day 3.

2010-12-04T03:47:00.004+08:00

A picture of you and your friends.

For everyone who has made a difference,
Some way or another.

Almost there.

2010-12-03T01:20:00.001+08:00

I'm over birthdays.
Have a nice day everyone.

(:

Day 2.

2010-12-02T05:38:00.000+08:00

The meaning behind my blog name.

End-fiction.

I came up with it in 2007, and I was fourteen. Naive, angsty, carefree fourteen. I treated this place as a solace for memories. I wanted truth, and fiction is made up of anything but the truth.

It doesn't make sense, there's no such thing as truth. When does the truth ever exist? The truth is always swept away by time. The truth is always displaced by belief. The truth is always made up. We're surrounded by deception and it makes up the walls of our lives.

Maybe I could change it so that it'll make more sense, but end fiction has been here for a long time, and the name already feels like a part of me. Nothing else seem to roll off my tongue the same way.

So end fiction it is. You end your own fiction.. And see if it makes the world any better.

I'm contradiction filled to the brim.

Have a nice day.

Day 1: This is tedious.

2010-12-02T01:53:00.006+08:00

15 facts about myself.

1. I don't have any particular talent boohoo.

2. I am very particular when it comes to food. I don't eat a lot of things.
3. I read a lot. Murders, lawyers, life. Awful fun. (8

4. I have an amazing family.

5. I am extremely fickle.

6. I like the smell of petrol. And the gas that comes out from vehicles.

7. I like my ice cream half melted.

8. I dream extremely often. If I don't dream it's.. odd.
9. I always make spur of the moment decisions that I will regret.
10. I'm a sucker for reality shows. Couch potato in da house! Hehehe.
11. I like computer games.
12. I overanalyse everything right before I sleep.
13. I am freaked out with things that has more than four legs and that can fly. Other than birds.
14. I have dreams of losing significant things very often. Like hair. And shoes when I'm out. All the time. Nightmares, no?
15. I like talking. Get me started.

I just realised.. That this 30 day thing caused me to be in way over my head.
Well oh well.

Shooting for moons.

2010-11-30T19:27:00.008+08:00

Got this from Dan and I think it's an awesome motivation to blog frequently.. Which I seem to be unable to do anymore.

Day 01 - a recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself
Day 02 - the meaning behind your tumblr/blogger name
Day 03 - a picture of you and your friends
Day 04 - a habit that you wish you didn’t have
Day 05 - a picture of somewhere you’ve been to
Day 06 - favorite super hero and why
Day 07 - a picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you
Day 08 - short term goals for this month and why
Day 09 - something you’re proud of in the past few days
Day 10 - songs you listen to when you are happy, sad, bored, hyped, mad
Day 11 - another picture of you and your friends
Day 12 - how you found out about tumblr/blogger and why you made one
Day 13 - a letter to someone who has hurt you recently
Day 14 - a picture of you and your family
Day 15 - put your ipod on shuffle: first 10 songs that play
Day 16 - another picture of yourself
Day 17 - someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why
Day 18 - plans/dreams/goals you have
Day 19 - nicknames you have; why do you have them
Day 20 - someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future
Day 21 - a picture of something that makes you happy
Day 22 - what makes you different from everyone else
Day 23 - something you crave for a lot
Day 24 - a letter to your parents
Day 25 - what i would find in your bag
Day 26 - what you think about your friends
Day 27 - why are you doing this 30 day challenge
Day 28 - a picture of you last year and now, how have you changed?
Day 29 - in this past month, what have you learned?
Day 30 - who are you?

I'll start tomorrow because it's the first of next month. Anyone who's free enough, do this too yes? Here goes nothing. (:

Edge of the world.

2010-11-29T02:03:00.000+08:00

-Ewening.tumblr.com

I'm unhappy. I wish I could pour it out, but where do you start when it's all you've ever known? I'm not like this. I'm not weak. I don't let my emotions rule over me. But I'm worn out, and I'm tired.

I want to have somebody or something to blame, so I could be comforted by the fact that I did not cause this. But everything accumulates, and the arrows stops moving only to point straight at me.

How long can you stop emotions from eating you up?

Everything, fucking everything.

It's like a cycle of downright obvious doors to tragedies yet I'm oblivious and too darn egoistic to make better judgments.

When will I ever learn?
When will I ever stop thinking?
When will I move on and make it all go away?

Still breathing.

2010-11-12T07:21:00.001+08:00

-Babycakes8.tumblr.com

Good morning, world. (:

Empty.

2010-03-30T11:29:00.000+08:00

18 March 2010.

Fhat's surprise birthday celebration.
It felt, nolstagic.
I loved every moment.

20 March 2010.

Sister's engagement.

I spent about eighty percent of the time cooped in my room, locked. Ten hanging around with the kids at the void deck. The last ten pretending I'm actually enjoying myself. I'm glad though, that things turned out well. The make-up artist made my sister up annoyingly much that day. I couldn't help myself from breaking out in laughter everytime I see her that eyebrows of hers. Funny eyebrows or not, it was a joyous occasion. I think?

I'm badly lacking in words.
Xoxo.

Chasing rainbows.

2010-03-21T00:24:00.000+08:00

"Live like you’re dying and never stop trying.
It’s all you can do, use what’s been given to you."

Sisterlove's getting engaged tomorrow.
And holy hell, I am nervous.

Makes me wonder how she might be feeling.
:B

Dear God, make sure everything goes by smoothly tomorrow?
It's my sister, and she deserves a day.

I dislike big occasions.
The crowd. The conversations. The neverending noise!

Dear God, make sure I survive it all, too?

Xoxo.

Gingerbread.

2010-02-28T21:44:00.000+08:00

Maybe I'm just not used to not having this.
Maybe this might be back.

The trouble with truth is..
It's just much better left untold.

(:

2009-12-18T23:05:00.002+08:00

It's so difficult accepting. Especially when you've always believed you knew them, when the truth is you knew nothing. And god, how could it not hurt? Finding out flaw after flaw? And how it used to be okay, everything used to be fine. It takes mere words for the line of perfection to blur, for it to become something less desirable, something disliked. How do you deal with it, when life, love and family aren't what anyone said it'd be?

Bursting bubbles.

2009-12-18T17:28:00.002+08:00

"Sometimes I think of letting go,
And never looking back.
And never moving forward so,
There’d never be regrets." -LP.

It wouldn't hurt.

Forgive.
Why won't you forget?

If I could change I would.
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would.
If I could let it go I would.

Why wouldn't you?

Breathing clouds.

2009-12-03T23:11:00.001+08:00

Thank you for the wishes and gifts.
I'm grateful.

(Just another year older
And that's about all)

For happiness.

2009-11-29T13:22:00.001+08:00

Seems like I just have the inability to update frequently.

I miss being young.

Never thinking. Spur of the moment decisions. Anything for thrills. Silly actions for laughter. Experimenting. Getting into trouble. Unnecessary havoc. Failed attempts. Adrenaline rush. Wasting time. Curiousity. Running away. Roller coaster rides for emotions. Anything to grasp a second of happiness.

I miss being free.

I miss sitting on top of carpark rooftops and talking my heart out. I miss talking about the end of the world beneath the stars, and then get scared. I miss Old Maid, Donkey, Taiti and Bluff. It seems that just then we were all kids again. And nothing else mattered. I miss planning surprise birthday sabos - even though it has never been such a surprise after all. I miss bathing by the firehose. I miss getting hit on the head by eggs. Everyone has changed. Or.. Are changing. I may have miss it all. But no, I don't think it's all that possible to get it back. At least, not all of it. Not the sincere, honest friendship we've had, and loved. No more of what we've treasured. All those, a little too neglected, a little too dusty. Aren't we just a little too caught up with our own lives to borther slowing down for what's always been there? To hold up what had been so strong once? Maybe it had just never been that precious after all.

Growing up.

Maybe it was just bound to happen. Some way or another.

2009-10-31T19:40:00.001+08:00

I'm back! (I think?)

Everything's been fine. Maybe that's why it's pretty much empty in here. It's not like I don't want to, it's just that I don't have much to say. School has been taking up most of my time - what not with the exams and the neverending studying (and hours of sleep in between). Although I'm more than a little glad that the end-of-year exams are over, the results weren't as anticipated. I passed only two subjects out of six, it's depressing to think I'm this far back when all I've been trying to do is to stay on track. Mid-year results helped a lot with the overall results, and I'm just grateful that I was promoted, for it is all that really matters.

Social-wise, other than a few close ones, there's not been much going on. It seems like I'm on the back seat - and it's a position I'm fine being in. It works. I'd rather spare myself the dilemmas. I might be missing out on a lot more, but this way, as I said, it works. I'm happy. That's more than enough. Family seems more of priority, I'd prefer it remain that way. It feels rather blessed that contentment comes easily these days. Mum and dad, they seem like the best anyone could ask for.

Baby, he had grown so well. I don't think anyone can help but fall in love. I love the way he crinkles up his nose when he smiles, which he does more often than not. He has learnt to sit without any support, alhtough his heavy little butt makes him impossible to crawl. He'll be eight months next month. It's almost frightening how time could go by just like that. I could remember vividly how a tiny little pocelain doll he was back when he just arrived in this world. Presently, he's such a giant, with bright, twinkling, round eyes, and he's became such a rowdy little thing. Overwhelming load of adorable.

I'd try to update often. Try. (:

Rebound.

2009-10-25T20:51:00.000+08:00

I know it's been long. I've not been here for ages myself.
My twits are coming still, nevertheless.
All I can say is, there'll be a long update soon? I think?

I don't have a clue what's became of you.
I almost don't give a fuck.
I'd rather not know.
I'd rather let you go.

Guess what?
The world doesn't revolve around you, afterall.

I've lost 90% of my readers I think.
To the remaining, xoxo.

2009-10-25T20:48:00.000+08:00

I know it's been long.
Longest update soon? I think?

Burn.

2009-08-22T21:53:00.000+08:00

I've seen that look before.
And it pains me, knowing that again I was the cause of it.

Ever done something to fix a screw up?
Ever done something so wrong, yet it felt.. so right?

Gasp.

2009-08-22T14:27:00.000+08:00

Holy sugar.
I hadn't realise that the last post was that ultra long.
I didn't know that I had the ability to be that.. long-winded.
I'm sorry? Oh well.

Killing time.

2009-08-22T14:14:00.000+08:00

For the record.
I hate aeroplanes and I wish I never gave to fly in one ever again.
I hate hotel rooms and room services and neverending air-conditioner.
I hate having to queue up and wait.
I hate traffic jams.
I hate the insanely warm weather.
I hate unexpected rainfalls.
I love Bangkok.

The three days in Bangkok were strange.

Anti-climax:
For a start, the flying killed my right ear. (Yes, only the right. Again.) Dad says its the pressure from being so high up but man why didn't anyone tell me it'll hurt that much. Things went pretty much downhill from then on. After alighting, I was held up at the thermal scan shit for having a temperature of 37.3. I then had to walk all the way back to the health check room. The guy checked my temperature again and it was 39.1. Jinxed, I told ya. They gave me some masks and soon I'm out.

The first two days were spent mostly in bed as I was freaking freezing. My shopping was mostly done by my sister. Thailand has cheapshit stuff, however find something to my liking isn't that easy as the colours are mostly vibrant. I'm not such a fan of vibrant. I mostly filled my luggage with tees and necklaces. Third day was spent sight-seeing here and there, last-minute shopping, manicure/pedicure and killer tom yams. The flight back killed ears too. The fucking right, to be precise. The pressured bullshit lasted till I got home and the next day. It still feels weird occasionally. It makes me feel so hearing-impaired. :/

Climax:
I fainted at Bangkok's airport. Hurrah.

Isn't that funny. My god. While waiting to get my passport checked (which was awfully long), I felt myself starting to shiver. Vision got blurred often, tried squating but it didn't made me feel any better. When it was my turn to get my passport checked and photo taken, I didn't think shit anymore. I remember vaguely the guy asking me to look at the camera and the next thing I know it was my dad going, "This one my daughter, my daughter!" I found it so hilarious though, although I was horrifyingly too weak to laugh. Sat and ate a few Tictacs, which surprisingly made me feel a lot better. Sister said I didn't collapse, I just turned into jello and fell on the floor. Which adds on further to the humour of it all nevertheless.

I'm more than fine now, by the way.

It isn't difficult to update frequently, yet I procrastinate till the point of ultimate laziness! School has been fine, although I've been feeling a lot like a shitbag. God tell me what I've eaten, because the tummy is killing me. It's been a tough month, I guess. First it was hives, and then I had diarrhoea. After all the shitting my tummy still hurt although I could shit no more. The day before I left for Bangkok, I had running nose. And then I had fever. It just makes me think, what's next? Cause it just feels like its gonna keep coming. Like bullets. An armor suit and a loaded gun. I might need that, to keep myself in one piece.

I needed to post this about a week ago and it just stayed in my draft, incomplete.
Procrastinating is bad, no?
Happy fasting.

Xoxo.

God's will.

2009-08-13T17:21:00.000+08:00

I still have my clingy little unbearable hives.
In addition, my stomach is cramping up so much and I'm shitting like a machine.
The right side of my nostril is filled with snot. Yes, only the right side. (Sighs)

Yet what I've found out made me so overjoyed-
I feel like crying.

Absence.

2009-07-23T22:42:00.000+08:00

The world's not about you.
But it seems that these few months, it's all that has become of us.

I'm sometimes so tired of having to fall back and pretend it all,
just to make sure it stays tight.

I don't want it to have to be this way anymore.

I can't seem to find the words to tell you how you're making me feel. (Will it matter?)
Maybe I just lack the courage to stay true to myself.

Maybe that's what time does to people.
But you're happy, you are. And maybe that's more than enough.

Xoxo.

Mere hope.

2009-07-20T18:03:00.000+08:00

My cutest thang.

I sort of knew you would've turned out like this.
Just like her.

But I'm fine. People grow up, don't they?

Fuck. I want to lead tranquil life that doesn't require me to think much.

A life that doesn't put me in potentially ugly situation. Doesn't portray me as a bad person. Doesn't require me to lie. Doesn't require me to make up excuses all the time to save my own sorry butt. I'd like.. to be just me. No hard feelings. No evil intentions. No plottings. Just.. bliss.

Contentment.

But even that I guess is asking too much. Isn't it just high school, over and over again? I'd like to make a difference. It's my life I'm talking about. I'm not here to impress. God, help me out won't ya? I can't do this alone. Look how I turned out. And while you're at it, end these unbearable, unnecessary, highly embarrasing hives, why don't ya? I'll love you more. It's a promise.

I'm in no possible mood for school.
Hives why the f did you have to do this to me.
Is it just me, or is my font way too annoyingly small?

Xoxo.

Heartstrings.

2009-07-18T18:03:00.000+08:00

Friday, seventeen of July 2009.

I do miss the fun we used to have. Although things didn't turn out the way we had expected it to, Trb hung out. Each of us took the time to meet each other. Although it was easy to do so, we had not for a real long time. I was that close to paitao-ing cause I was so sleepy from waking up so early for school. I'm still glad I didn't.

And I'm glad I got to spend time with Zeronine, cause it's been a while since we did so. My right eye was sore from the whole lump of flour Syabrin dumped all over me (Which I'd cleaned up quick. People were looking at us like we were freakshows). And I didn't even do anything to him yet. Talk about unfair. And talk about looking shit tired.

Trb is all cute bundled up into one aren't we? (laughs out loud)

I miss us, I miss talking, I miss Taiti and Bluff.
We'll make up for this someday soon. We will, won't we?

Xoxo.

Revolt.

2009-07-05T22:42:00.000+08:00

"Smile for the cameras that keep rolling." -AFS.
Have it ever mattered if you're breaking?

For the love of toes.

2009-06-27T22:38:00.000+08:00

Can I stop listening?

Today marks the end of movie week.
Might also mark the end of the burning in my pocket. Mega yay. (wiggles butt)

The holidays were pretty chilled. Nothing much but money spent.
And countless of late tv nights and big fat brunches.

School's started. I'm sad for brain.

Maths and Chem got interesting for some reason.
English sucks. So does MT.
Humans retard. And art. Fuck art.

Shat. The words are still not coming. I'm sorry?
I miss Syabrinawissreneesabs. East coast, basically?

ur·ti·car·i·a [ùrti káiree ə]
skin rash: a skin rash, usually occurring as an allergic reaction, that is marked by itching and small pale
or red swellings and often lasts for a few days (technical) Also called hives.

Fuck few days. It's been freaking months. God is being unfair.
(///) Sab'll get this. (:

Xoxo.
Till a real long time. Cause this is pathetic, no?

Incomplete.

2009-06-20T13:33:00.000+08:00

East Coast/Pool/Treehaus.
I almost enjoyed it.

Little setbacks that makes the whole difference.
I wanted to update a long one, but the words aren't coming.

I can't even begin how much I dislike what you've become.
I ain't saying shit because you're happy, and as a friend it's more than enough for me.

I'm suppose to prepare now for the event in Sentosa.
Could I be shit lazy and sleep it off?

I'm getting right on empty, so be nice and fuck off.

Little heart chunks.

2009-06-18T00:17:00.000+08:00

Have I mentioned how much I love Trb? (:

I am.

2009-06-11T00:56:00.000+08:00

1. I can't bring myself to do that to her. I'm fine.
2. I don't get how people can be so self-centered yet so likable at the same time.
3. Indifference. How I love that word.
4. These few days I've been so relentlessly lethargic. Of life.
5. You're only there when I'd benefit you in some way. I get it already. So stop.
6. I'm so excited for 21st June. I'm fine.
7. How come people can get so tired over a shitload of nothing?
8. I can't wait to be 18, over this whole shit, and getting it really over with.
9. How come they say you've only know what you've got until it's gone? I'm fine.
10. Spare me the drama. I don't need it.
11. How come everybody just infers they know the slightest shit about me?
12. Baby, stop appearing in my dreams. At least for now. I'm fine.
13. Mum and dad. Mum and dad. Mum and dad. Thank God.
14. What if I told the whole world?

I need to stop kidding myself.
Xoxo.

But I'd rather have that than the pretend and drama I have to endure each day,
to ensure the slightest bit of happiness in my life.

Building castles on air.

2009-06-07T21:48:00.000+08:00

Why is it that nothing,
Nothing ever hurt like you do?

Burning bridges.

2009-06-02T23:01:00.000+08:00

It's almost a month!
I should have updated earlier but.

Mye's over. Uh hm. I think it was F9 for Maths, C6 for Science and Humanities, C5 for Malay, B4 for English and A1 for Art. Shocking though. I was actually quite content. :O

I could never really express how much Mum and Dad mean to me. How much I've done. It keeps me thinking. How we've became so close. How much I'd like to tell them. All those little misadventures. I'm more than just tad grateful.

He makes such a joke of himself. I could just as much guess every lie he's willing to risk. He could continue on making a cowardice arse of himself and I wouldn't say a word. He think he knows. But he doesn't know the slightest peep about me and how this mind ticks. It's funny how much I'm risking, but circumstances. It doesn't leave me with much of a choice. I hate you, but that's just a little too bad for myself ain't it? I don't see tight strings attached when I'm with you. You don't do shit like that and think you're gonna get away with it. 'Cause somewhere, somehow, people know. And justice will bite you in the arse. Just start thinking straight. And think how much it's worth doing what you've done.

I can't believe the friends I have these days. (sighs)

On a lighter note. Four months, D. Baby will be surprised. I'm not the kind that'd do this much but you deserve more than words can say. I'm a temperamental bitch. And I'm sorry. I'm more than just sorry. I'm more than just more sorry. I'm more than just more than just more sorry. I should probably just shut up now.

Hugs and kisses! Till whenever yes. (:
I'm scared, just scared, of all this emotions.

Fading.

2009-05-07T15:52:00.000+08:00

Baby. (:
Day 3 till Day 40.

"What I learn, what you think is what you get. So, think positively."
"No. What I've learn, is that I'm completely a moron when it comes to Maths."

Maths was a complete disaster. I suppose it'll be back to square one no matter what. I did my homework. I paid attention in class. So what did I miss that made maths so impossible to comprehend? Honestly, I practiced. Real did. Fucking load of time wasted yes? I skipped over ten questions because the time was honestly impossible. But the fuck. I've gotten f9s for all the major exams over four years, what's another one?

My stupidity just never fails to amuse me. (:

Social studies was sort of alright. One hour was a shit ass timing though. My brain was overflowing with information that I'm pretty sure I could forget any second, so I did all I could to write all those down. To bluntly put it, I wrote like a maniac. (: But then the dumb arse in me just had to shine. I wrote section A and B in the same foolscape when its supposed to be separated. I only realised after I'm done, which was right on the finishing minute. Talk about being awfully pathetic. :/

Life has been okay. I'll have to thank a few people for making that possible. I'm thankful that after all that's happened, there're still a few. Sunshines here and there. I suppose I've had pretty much enough of thinking for other people, much less the same for myself. Some people are just not worth the fuss, yes? So to hell with you nuggets. I came to this world to enjoy and be happy. Not to impress worthless fucks who doesn't care shit about you after they've had that much fun. I should have known better. But we learn. From mistakes. Guess that's what matters.

Xoxo.

No time for goodbye : Part I.

2009-04-30T17:36:00.000+08:00

"Dear Anyone.

This is a post from one anyone to another anyone, no names required, because nobody really knows anybody anyway. Names don't make a hell lot of difference. The world in made up entirely of strangers. Millions and millions of them. Everyone is a stranger to everyone else. Sometimes we think we know other people, especially those we supposedly are close to, but if we really knew them, why are we so often surprised by the shit they do? Like, parents are always surprised by what their kids will do. They raise them from the time they are babies, spend each and every day with them, think they're these fucking angels, and then one day the cops come to the door and say hey, guess what, parents?

Your kid got caught so fucking high on drugs. Or you're the kid, and you think things are pretty fucking okay, and then one day this guy who's supposed to be your dad says so long, have a nice life. Or one day your mum left you just like that, to spend the rest of fucking life thinking how'd she have the heart to leave you alone like that. So you think, what the fuck is this? So now life's pretty okay, everything seems fine. You begin to think, when's it coming? That's what life is. Life is always asking yourself, when's it coming? Because it hasn't come for a long, long time, you know you're fucking due.

All the best, Anyone."

No truths. No lies. No more. Nothing but letters.
Just mere letters.

Holy shitheads.

2009-04-19T13:06:00.000+08:00

I'm fat.
What is up with the overwhelming amount of snot up my nose! God help me.

Cats Musical.

Shall say props, choreography and costumes were truly awesome. What was the musical about? I still have no idea after about three hours? I don't think they have a plot even. But the fuck. The experience was cool. And nothing went wrong. Finished around eleven. Supper at Mcdonalds. Hung out with Awiss and Nasyrul for a while before reaching home at around one.

Fuck.

I can get now why people have been telling me so much shit about you. The fact that we're friends but you could afford to be so different. So.. fake. I like you as a person. The true you. What is up with this whole facade of absolute disgust? What is up with the lies to save your own coward butt? I'll ask so much from you to just grow up. Oh the fuck, be real. Just that. Yourself. No more lies. No more getting all worked up over little cheebyes here and there. I don't get you. But we're friends. And I don't want to keep up this pretense.

Yay for first month. The fourth. I'm fifteen days too late.

Xoxo.

No one else but you. <3

Still static.

2009-04-03T16:44:00.000+08:00

Lil kid will be a drama momma when he grows up.

Baby learnt how to giggle!
Baby learnt how to pose in front of the camera!
Baby learnt how to look in the direction of sounds!
Baby is three weeks old already. Woa. (Wipes tear.)

What? I can't do much with myself anymore.
What's wrong with making a little hoohaa over someone else's.
I have a feeling I won't make much sense anymore.

I am unwell. Stupid burnt up fucked up fag.
I am late all the freaking time. I am tired of being late.
I have endless detention. Detention is hot and there's mosquitos.
Plus the teacher there wears awful makeup. It's distracting.
I saw Mr Tay cane someone over at Art class. The kid screamed.
I am zoning out during lessons and it sucks.
God I sure as hell miss talking to Mr Tay.
Sitting beside the both of them is awkward. And strange.
He said hi to me today. HE SAID HI!
I need to pee but I'm awfully lazy. Is that okay?

God. Why did I update anyway?
Till whenever. Xoxo.

Static.

2009-03-31T20:51:00.000+08:00

It's been bloody long yes.

I've never trusted you that much. Get that, darling. (:
You want to be a sensitive little prick? Do I look like I give a fuck?
Money screws people.
Those little sunshines in life. Why is there so little left?
I come to school to get an education.
I'm not good enough for someone like you.
I love Mom and Dad. ♥
People screws people.
Know what's worse than a liar? A butt-saving coward.
I miss your laughter when you're with me.
I need to cut my nails. Again.
Rsg. Quit, meet, party no more?
Have I mentioned I love my Mom and Dad?
Dny. Thank you. ♥
Anything to keep me moving on.

I'm leading you on. I want to but I just can't. The thought of breaking someone else's heart up or maybe in the process just start breaking myself just scares me. I'm a mess. I don't need to cause you anything else. I'm so tired. I don't want to impress. I don't want to fake a smile or tell a whacked joke or just fucking look away 'cause I don't want people to see. The only thing that's keeping me straight. Is something I rather not have. What am I turning out to be. Is something just not right. Screw me, yes? Who'd understand this shit?

Failure.
Complete utter failure.

They say people grow up by the things they've done and gone through.
I'm still pretty much stuck here.

Till whenever.

In bloom.

2009-03-15T17:43:00.000+08:00

Oh yes. Little kid says hi.

Kid's being such a joy in the family.
Happy five years. Many more years yes, Sabrina?
2009 has a lot of waiting in stored. Testing my patience, no?

Long update soon. Zeronine, imy like fuck. Trb, where the fuck did we go?

Till whenever. Hugs and kisses!

Beginnings.

2009-03-13T19:53:00.000+08:00

Talk about surreal.

Alhamdullilah everything went smoothly for the delivery of the baby.
Alhamdullilah the results were quite alright.
Alhamdullilah this term is done and for the March holidays.
Alhamdullilah everything in life is going well.

Thank you God.
Well on the contrary,

I have a selfish bitch for a sister. Deffo fantastic.
I'll never be good enough yada yada yada. Get over it.
The fact that you potray yourself as such a angelic person disgusts me.

You know what?
Sixteenth sucks. Almost for everyone really.

Till whenever.

Bullets.

2009-03-10T20:58:00.001+08:00

I'm tired.

You've caused me this since I was young.
And I couldn't say a word.
Frightened.

I don't want history to repeat itself.
I don't want to keep secrets anymore.
Bitter silence.

I am scared and angry and sad and confused.
It feels horrible.

I can't keep my silence.
I can't plaster a smile.
I can't be happy.
I can't pretend.
Just not anymore. Not in this matter.

What has he done to keep you coming back?
I have questions I need answers to.

Tell him. I need you to tell him.

Why?
Is this a secret?
Are you shouldering this burden on me?
Are you clinging on?
Are you lying?

I rather not know.
I rather be sheltered away from truth.

But he's the best.
Please stop shitting us.

Sis in law give birth soon. I need something to look forward to.

Brother you don't mean a thing to me.

Sister stop being mum.

I need stone hard walls of oblivion.

Till whenever.

Readysetgo.

2009-03-06T19:18:00.000+08:00

I went to Jalan Bahtera Adventure Camp.

I missed the awfully gorgeous Jason Mraz Concert.

I shouldn't have.
But I wouldn't have known.
Oh no no, it wasn't that horrible.

I did solve clues to find a kidnapped kid,

flying fox, rock climbing, cheering,

high rope, log walk, dance,

kayakking.

Would it be okay if I said what I found out about them isn't something that I like? At all?

Camp food killed my appetite.

I am as sleepy as fuck.

Till whenever, xoxo.

Never meaning.

2009-03-01T22:45:00.000+08:00

1. I need to cut my nails.

2. How are you suppose to run away from what's already a part of you?

3. Water challenge's project finally works.

4. Yay first pay.

5. I'm not taking you for granted.
6. I've not finished any of my homework. Fucking awexome.
7. Yay story books.
8. I am SO glad I'm not in —.
9. It's just so typical of me to regret what I've consented to.

10. Get over my peace signs already. I'll get tired of it soon enough.

11. Is he the only interesting thing about your life?
12. I miss my sister so much.
13. Birds of the same feather flock together. You and her, oh the similarities!

14. I need to do my homework.
15. I miss Mr Yeo's science lessons.

16. I promised to stop blogging this way but oh the fuck.

Till whenever, xoxo.

Disintegrate.

2009-02-23T15:06:00.001+08:00

Sometimes all the things you try,
all the things you do,
all the things you try so hard to be,
it just won't be enough 'cause somewhere down inside you just lack.
Something that means the most to people.

Nothing'll be enough.

-

Life hasn't been extraordinary, nor tragically awful or whatever. I'm just living my life everyday 'cause I have to. Ditto school, friends and family. These few days I've been feeling nothing, 'cause life's shit always had been always will be. I'm just so tired of making things right, making people feel better, making myself better, making things turn out right, making shit smell like flowers. I'm so tired of being sane, being real, being fake, being truthful, being happy, being miserable, being honest, being bored, being forlorn, being fucking me. Let me mutate myself into complete and utter state of oblivion.

The state of nothing.

Aren't I here?
Haven't I always been here?

Somehow I know deep somewhere I don't matter much anymore. Not much in anyone's.
Till whenever.

Bitch.

2009-02-19T21:55:00.000+08:00

It sucks hurting this much.
And it sucks knowing that you're not here.
That I have to move on even if I don't fucking want to.

God I want to grow up.

I want whatever I left behind. I want it all back.
What a shitfuck life.

Too late for regrets, yes? How fucking cliche.
Till whenever.

Leaf in the wind.

2009-02-18T22:55:00.000+08:00

Does every single good thing that comes out from me a phony?
Just fucking because you're so full of yourself.
Do you think that makes you any better as a person?

I PASSED MATHS. Passed. With no help, no cheat, whatever shit. The first in two years.

People did awfully well for Physics, so twenty ain't really all that good. But I passed, and getting a pass, that already is awwwesome. I'm gonna post up my results here everytime, so see me fail crash burn miserably. And yes, I failed Chemisty by 11/25 which is such a bummer. Paper's back at teacher so I can't post that. School has been just alright. I'm coping well, thank God, and I'm understanding things. Hopefully I could end it on a good note this year. Optimism is deffo thumbs up this year, so screw shit else!

For what I was before.
It was wrong. It wasn't suppose to be that way. It just wasn't right. But it left me happy. The thrills. The bloopers. The neverending drama. Life's just been peaceful. Which isn't so bad generally, but what's left of it? The joy I used to get, it just ain't possible now. Sinful. But it was just the way I like it.

For what's left.
I'm gonna make the best of it. (:

Till whenever, xoxo.

Sometimes it's hard to know whats real when you're not, but I'm so tired of trying. -AFS.

From reality.

2009-02-15T22:33:00.000+08:00

You reap what you sow.
I'd like to say it only belongs to you but it doesn't.
It doesn't belong to anyone 'cause it doesn't matter anymore.

I've completely lost touch on what really matters.
I'm lost I'm found I'm broken I'm fixed I'm truth I'm lies I'm nothing.

Tell me something I do not already know.

Till whenever, xoxo.
Maybe we've outgrown all the things that we were once.

By the moment.

2009-02-13T20:45:00.001+08:00

Firstly, I like giving hugs. Always had always will.
Secondly, I want to kill my screwed up hair.
Thirdly, I'm as random as fuck.

Tak suke? Tak heran. HOHOHO.

1. I need to bath but I'm way way way lazy.
2. There's a new kid and I like her.
3. I failed my malay test. I got 19/50 for malay and that's retarded.
4. I've just realised something huge about myself. And I'm okay with it.
5. I want to update a real long post but I need to bath but I'm still lazy.
6. Life unexpectancies. My heart goes out for her.
7. There is fucking Survivor today. New series. Awesome or what.
8. I want to make the most out of my life.
9. I miss my Izza Dumpling. Quit, meet, party. Rsg. ♥
10. Tomorrow is Vday and I am undecided and lazy. So guess what!
11. I need to stop posting this way.
12. I miss my zeronine but she's probably busy living her own life.
13. I need to clean my hamster's cage. God you're a horrible owner you bitch!
14. Oh wait I forgot. I need to stop posting this way.

Till whenever, xoxo.

Coming too close.

2009-02-10T18:26:00.001+08:00

Odds and ends.
Aren't some things better left unsaid?

1. I dislike little setbacks in life that sets to kill.
2. I don't have to please anyone. God I need to remember that.
3. I love Dad.
4. I find hating is mean. Pretending to like when you don't, that's meaner.
5. He is just being himself. Now that is never wrong.
6. I passed Social Studies! (wiggles butt)
7. I am fifteen years old. I have gotten my IC. Now can I —.
8. I'm a stupid biatch and I'll live to regret this.
9. I love Mom.
10. He is nineteen years old and he is legal.
11. She is a bitch. God why did it take me so long to realise that.
13. I miss eating chicken bun with TTWX outside class.
14. I hate my Sister-In-Law.
15. Jason Mraz makes me happy.
16. I am beginning to understand maths lessons.
17. I love my Sister.
18. I need to tell someone about this but —.

Till whenever, xoxo.
Sometimes you forget why you are with someone and and stay for fear of being alone.

Peace.

2009-02-04T21:19:00.000+08:00

Embracing the uncertainties in life.
The complete and utter truth hurt. Always had.

I'm letting go. Things just doesn't seem right when I'm there.
We'll just see how things goes.

Till whenever. I miss truckloads of kids. ):
Hugs and kisses.

All axed up.

2009-02-03T19:05:00.000+08:00

Scrabble's ridiculously insane.
No offense hor scrabble players.

I ended up coming home at late six and I really hate coming home late. I could have slept at home. I could have done my homework. I could have played Pet Society. I could have done truckloads of things. Never expected it to end that late. Fucking hell. And yea, thanks to all those whom helped me along. That game is impossible. Still is. Always will be.

YLXM's a horrible whore. She is a fucking pain in the arse. She is such a self-centered, selfish bitch. I've never hated a person as much as I hate her. 'Cause I believe even deep inside her she's a bitch. Get this. Show and tell. Take a video of ourselves. Introducing ourselves. Two words. Fuck you. Honestly, Ms YLXM, you should change. You should summon the courage to admit your wrongdoings and change for the better. I believe nobody even likes you. At freaking all. So fuck your ego, fuck your pride, fuck your so called authority. And stop being such a dislike.

I am so sleepy I can die.

Till whenever. Hugs and kisses!

Drugs drugs drugs.

2009-01-30T19:25:00.000+08:00

I am overjoyed.

Hahaha. I did not get zero for Maths! I did freaking not! :D

I really don't mind not passing it. At least I was just a mark away from getting a two digit mark. Hopefully by the next test I can do it. Getting two digit marks, I mean. For someone whom always had either zero or one, you don't understand how's getting this making me feel. It's making me feel real erm, motivated. To try to do even harder the next time. And you know, I was so motivated, I decided to bring all my school books home! I can't keep using not having the books as an excuse for not doing my homework 'cause it's real stupid. So yea. It was as heavy as fuck for god's sake.

I'm beginning to detest some people in school. Like, honestly. I hate the way they think of themselves. I hate the way how they behave. I hate the way how they talk about people. I hate the way they could mock those that aren't like them. It really irks me. Friends. Much rather be just mere acquaintance.

Till whenever. Hugs and kisses!

Gingerbread man.

2009-01-28T22:57:00.001+08:00

Have I mention teachers are becoming so dramatic these days? Screaming her head off over homework. Honestly, whether we want to do our homework or not, it'll either be our loss or our gain. Not yours, not the school's, not anyone's. We are old enough to know what's right for us. Those writing of lines? Please think of the environment. Those papers we're wasting with scribbles all over? Trees, bitch. Think of the trees!

Talking about trees, I miss Singapore's Zoo. And yes, say hello to gorgeous birdies!

So far.

∙ Sleep over with the RSG girls over at D's crib. Strip poker, scissors paper stone with powder, monopoly, foozball, toothpaste and opera singers make up. All to keep ourselves awake. Whatever for? No idea really.

∙ F. It's been what, three years? I didn't miss you. At least not until I met you.

∙ ECP with the girls. Went off pretty quick because D had to go for his basic theory test the next morning.

And other then that, its been school school school. School's been alright. Though I feel real wrong. I've not done most of the homework and Ft seemed kinda pissed at me. Aw fuck norish fucking wake up!

OH AND YES. Did I mention about the shithead bus driver I met yesterday morning?
I fucking ran for the fucking bus for the first fucking time cause I really really don't want to get in house suspension. I fucking ran. I fucking reached the door on time and felt really pleased with myself thinking, "Hey what a nice driver! He's waiting for me!" YAH. I knocked, thinking maybe he didn't notice or something. But you know what the fucker did? He deliberately turned his head to the other side to ignore me. Fucking chao chi tan. He is bus number 912, plate number TIB 1063U. Beat. Him. Up!

And today fate had it that the bus that came first was his. Decided to skip it. He stared at me and I stared back and he drove off. Who needs his stinking bus anyway. There's tons of other buses around. Honestly he need to cut it on the ego! Still so effing pissed. I made it early to school anyways! Without his stupid bus. MEH.

Yay, it's finally 11PM. Antm yo. And there's still my 90 lines to be written. Till whenever!
There'll be nothing more 'cause its not right. No, it's just not right.

Hahaha chocolate milk!

2009-01-25T16:40:00.000+08:00

OHHMYYFUCKINGGODDD IM SO HYPERVENTILATING RIGHT NOW.
BREATH NORISH BREATHHHHH.

HAHAHAHA FUCKING YAYYYYYYY.
Guess who finally received tickets to Jason Mraz concert?

Like finally last year's booking got approved and I received the tickets today like fucking unexpectedly and I feel like fucking crying now because I'm so overjoyed because it's fucking Jason Mraz for God's sake. It's Jason Mrazzzz!

:D

Bitter.

2009-01-20T02:46:00.000+08:00

I hate dreaming of you.
Because it hurts most to cling on to things we know we can never have.

Typical.

2009-01-19T16:16:00.001+08:00

Uhmm.

18 January 2009.

9.55am: Oh god what a dream. Woke up to Mommy's laughter.

10.20am: Had to prepare. Meeting Dad and then to cousin's house and then to Expo.
11.05am: Cousin's house. Ate real yummy food. Complete embarrasement.
12.30pm: Off to expo. Surprisingly, there wasn't much of a crowd.
2.15pm: Playpen, little outfits, pillows and bolsters. All for the lil kid coming. It's all blue. Yuck.
3.00pm: Home sweet home. Ida and Maiya's there. Had real fun with the kids. Awfully sleepy though.

That's Maiya.
And no, you don't have to remind me of my kickass eyebags and eye circles. Thanks.

19 January 2009.
6.ooam: Woke up for school. Surprisingly I was kinda looking forward.
6.40am: I'm actually done, but it's still kinda early. Did things real slowly before going out.
6.55am: Missed two bus. Bitter boredom with mp4 being dead.
7.12am: Like fucking finally. Bloody bus.
7.34am: Reached school. Pink slips. Gotta do detention. ):
1.40pm: School's done. Skipped detention 'cause detention's stupid.
2.00pm: Second thoughts. What if I get fucking caught?!
4.03pm: Facebook. Blogging. Chatting. Listening to moozie. Total boredom.

Yay, Socky! Looks like someone's real addicted. :D

Zeronine, I miss talking to you. D, I miss your big bear hugs. Trb, I miss us. ):
Till whenever. Hugs and kisses!

Total anarchy.

2009-01-17T01:53:00.001+08:00

Middle photo: Syidah, Fatini, Ina. The recess clique.

Left and right photo: Bitter boredom.

Retribution/ Justice/ Consequences.

It's scary how something you've once done will eventually come back to you. Fate'll has it that tables are turned and roles are reversed. I never thought it ever might happen. Karma. I've once said a long while ago that karma's a bitch. Still is. Know what sucks so much? It's your friends. Who has done it. The closest. And what're you suppose to say? What're you suppose to hate? Nothing. Pretend they never did. Fake a smile and let it go.

School hasn't been so bad. I need to change this mindset of mine that everything I do will be overlooked. I need to end the shit I think is okay. Latecoming, skipping school, skipping lessons, not doing homework. It's not right and I fucking need to get that to my head. Honestly, classmates aren't all that bad. They're a fun bunch.

"Maths is so fucking hard I want to die sia."

And yes, Maths is still so fucking complex. Like honestly, why the hell do we need Algebra for? We don't count things using alphabets. We don't go to NTUC and say, "Okay, the chocolate is 3x square times 5x times 3 equals 0 so I'll have to pay.. er.. $0.12 or $1.80?" I'm sure as hell it's not like that. And I don't think there's a job in the world that uses algebra. I might be wrong, so inform me if there is. I hate thinking and we have to think for maths and thinking makes me tired and tired makes me sleepy and I can't do a thing when I'm sleepy! Hais.

I'll have to start attempting my maths homework already.

It's the first chapter and I'm already lost. What a fantastic start to the year.

Till whenever. Hugs and kisses!

Stone cold.

2009-01-12T20:58:00.000+08:00

Left photo: Awiss birthday so called celebration at Carpark. Trb <3.

Right photo: Sis birthday celebration at Newton/East Coast. Reactions. "Eeek, gums."

School is such a effing bore.

∙ English lessons with Ms Liao might honestly be the most boring lesson in the entire universe.
∙ Maths lessons are freaking hilarious. I <3 the bunch around me.
∙ Social Studies lessons seems kinda interesting.

∙ Mt lessons are noisy like fuck. The people are kinda alright, though.

∙ Art lessons are two words. Like woah.

∙ Physics lessons are like, really hard to comprehend. Like honestly.

∙ Chemistry lessons much simpler. Great yo.

Sec 3 guys like behaving like they're all that. Like honestly, get over yourselves will ya?

Tolerance! I'll be tolerant and find peace within myself. Hmm.

Till whenever! Hugs and kisses!
?uoy deen I nehw ereht reve uoy t'nera yhW

Like that ya'll.

2009-01-08T23:48:00.001+08:00

Alright, I promised someone I'd do this a long while ago but I've not done so. I'm really sorry.

10 facts people might not know about you.
∙ I had maggi curly hair when I was really young. Until my mom had it chopped real short cause I always cried when she tried combing it. I honestly don't know what was wrong with me.

∙ I am very particular when it comes to food. I don't eat a lot of things.
∙ I read like a whole lot! Murders, lawyers, violence. Awfully fun. Hahahaha.

∙ I am freaked out with things that has more than four legs and that can fly. Other then birds.

∙ I am extremely fickle. I can barely make firm decisions without changing my mind within a sec.

∙ I like the smell of petrol. And the gas that comes that comes out from vehicles.

∙ I have dreams of losing significant things very often. Losing shoes when I'm out, losing my hair (!), losing my clothes when I'm swimming. Those are nightmares.

∙ My reaction to jokes and stories are kinda slow. I'll have to clarify a few things and think for a few seconds before I'd understand.

∙ I once tasted cat food. It tasted like bland tuna. And it might be edible cause it didn't taste that bad.

∙ I dream extremely often. If I don't dream it's like, strange.

5 things people tend to infer about you.

∙ That I'm older then I actually am? Like so insulting.
∙ That I'm fierce. Maybe that's what I think they think. Maybe they don't think.

∙ That I'm arrogant. I might be shy. But I'm not arrogant.

∙ That I'm no longer a virgin. HOHOHO the fuck.

∙ That I'm a murderer. Hahaha aw crap I'm running outta ideas!

3 things you want them to know about you.

∙ I'm easily contented. Like, honestly.

∙ I laugh at the mysteries of life very often. I laugh at my own jokes before anyone understands it. I laugh at the unfortunate things that happens in life. Main point. I laugh. A lot.

∙ I have the best family in the whole entire universe. They might not be the most perfect bunch, but we all fit like jigsaw puzzles.

2 people to do this quiz.

∙ My grumpy hamster.

∙ My tamed louhan.

1 thing that best describe yourself.

Weird. Hahahaha.

I am so fucked up lazy to go school tomorrow. I want to be able to wake up late!

Till whenever. Hugs and kisses!

Like enough already.

2009-01-06T19:40:00.000+08:00

I don't get people sometimes.
Here's to a few.

∙ For the things that aren't in our power, why blame it?
∙ You really think I'm stupid, don't you?
∙ Why do you even have to tell me those shits when you don't mean it in the first place?
∙ It's your own life, what you want to do, what you decide is best, that's all up to you.
∙ I don't blame you. At least not until you apologized.
∙ What if I told her what you told me? What if I turned the tables and set it against you?
∙ Changes. Changes of feelings, changes of preferences, change. Doesn't it happen all the time?
∙ I was really dumb back then to have chosen you over myself time and time again.
∙ A shield. A mask. A facade. Aren't I already used to it?
∙ Then why do I feel so unhappy?
∙ A world of phonies. Me, you, the rest of the world. Sick, ain't it?

Hypocrites. Liars. Friends?
It was already dark. Now it's getting darker then it had ever been.
"These days I'm beginning to be missing what we once had." -fans.

Curtain call.

2009-01-05T23:26:00.000+08:00

The beginning of killer annoyance and hardcore education.

Talk about an awesome first day.
I hate this world.

3rd January 2008.

6.30am. Overslept. Fall onto stairs. Scratches and burns.
7.10am. Three 912 buses came at once. Darn I'm late late late!
7.20am. Was a minute too late for Back Gate.
7.25am. Pink slips. Caught. Waited for an hour and a half for dm.
9.30am. Sent home by Dm.
9.55am. Cabbed home. Breakfast with Dad, off to zzz.

I honestly don't understand what this school was suddenly trying to achieve. It was the first day for god's sake. I expected routine checks. I expected maybe a warning for tainted hair. Gotta dye back before Monday. That sorta thing. It was the first day of school and around twenty students were sent back home? Now Marsiling Sec is what, a top notch school for neatness or something? Holy crap. Pissed. So awfully pissed.

5th January 2008.

5.50am. Rise and shine. No rush, no runs, no falls.
6.50am. Off to hell hole.
1.40pm. Effing study periods. 2.40's far too long. We're done.
2.20pm. Sab's crib. Gorgeous kitties! Can no longer eat Nutella due to dumb ass tongue. Pfft. ):

Really dislike the first few days of school. Everyone's freaking nice. Way corny. Back last year, those whom I thought were genuinely nice really weren't. For me it's like, if you don't like me, you don't have to pretend you do. I don't care if you dislike me, I don't care if you want to spread retard rumours about me, I don't care if you talk shit about me behind my back. We all do that. We backstab, we tell lies, we spread rumours, we laugh about your imperfections behind your backs. Girls do that. So yes, let's clear this off, and let's be truthful to ourselves. And to the rest. And let's just end playing charades, okaye?

And girl, the way you copycatting, it's getting kinda obvious isnt it?
And it ain't just me who notices.

I need sleep! Hugs and mwahmwahmwah.

Killer anxiety.

2009-01-01T01:27:00.001+08:00

2008.
Cheers for newfound friends. Other than that, four words. Thank God it's over.

2009.
Will things get any better? Truth, hope, faith, love. Endless possiblilities.

Last year's resolutions.

First. Major studying. Second. No more tardiness. Third. No more in detention room. Forth. Anger management. Fifth. Learn to spend wisely. ~~Sixth. Be more organised. Seventh. No more slacking.~~ Eighth. Try to quit smoking. No harm trying. ~~Nine. Channel energy into school not into outside life.~~Ten. Pay attention in class. Last but never the least, no more pretendings.

Other than the striked off ones, I actually failed miserably in the rest. So let's screw resolutions, okaye? Let's just pray that with any luck 2009 will be a joyous year. Let's welcome with open arms awesome new beginnings. And I really hope 2009 will be the year I live with no regrets, no disappointments, no freaking wrong choices. I'll be a better person. Hopefully.

Countdown at Marina Bay was awefreakingsome. Other than the fact that I might have lost my ez-link card, I might have lost my atm card, I might have lost 40 bucks, I might have lost someone's house keys.. Well, I did actually lose a whole bag. My handphone, wallet and camera were in Sywl's huge bag which he didn't let go off. And his freaking keys and my freaking cards just had to be in my small bag. So yes. How fucking unfortunate. So someone has to sleep some other place tonight. And I'll have someone nag nag nag about me losing my ezlink a million times already. Aww why did 2009 had to start on such a miserable note?

The plannings on where/with whom to countdown with were fucked up. Initially wanted to celebrate with Trb so I bummed Dny off by telling him I had plans with someone else. And then fuck ups and circumstances switched things, and Sywl came over my place cause he had his plans cancelled too so we decided to cab to Marina Bay to join Dny and the rest. Someone lied to me about not drinking. Half-drunkards and sweats and skins and retard actresses and hosts turned singers and familiar faces and spectacular fireworks pretty much it. I missed a truly awesome opportunity for great shots. I didn't remember to bring the battery for the camera. Didn't remember. I charged the battery for four freaking hours only to forget to bring it out. God. And someone drank and drive. Those bloody mary messages fell on deaf ears. I could have became bloody mary last night but I didn't, so yay congratulations norish!

Cheers to a hopefully sane year ahead.

Hugs and kisses! <3

I ♥ donuts.

2008-12-27T21:23:00.000+08:00

▪ Ice skating with Dny. Totally impromptu. Dny suddenly suggested it, and we were awfully bored. Neither of us knew how to skate. So you can guess how retarded we looked. People were giving us sympathetic looks for goodness sake. Everything was painfully hilarious. What I gained from the event? A real hurting butt ache.

▪ Bag searched with Sister, Dny and Izza respectively. We might have conquered the whole of Singapore. And I still couldn’t decide on a bag. What I gained from the event? Nothing. Except a burning hole in my pocket.

▪ Library with Sab. Aw god I love that girl! Loaned two real thick books. Two words. Flipping awesome!

▪ Dress searched with Sister. She had this Christmas Dinner to attend. Four trips to Town on different occasions and she still couldn’t decide. Guess indecisiveness runs in the blood. She ended up getting a dress in Causeway Point. Which is barely a walking distance from my house. What I gained from the whole event? Two pumps, three tees, and a bloated tummy.

▪ Snow City/Science Centre with Sywl, Izza and her bf. Awfully tremendously awesome! I’ve not been there in years. What I gained from the whole event? A real nice memory.

Ain't sure why it's in point forms. Brain's real fucked up to collate everything right. I have something in mind that I feel there's a need to update about, but circumstances might make that impossible. I wanted to post that up on the previous post. But some things just decides to screws least expectedly. You get my drift. I used to think I was ready for school, but I guess I'm really not. Screw everything.

Till whenever. Hugs and kisses.
What's there to feel when you know what you're feeling doesn't matter?

Morbid.

2008-12-25T00:16:00.000+08:00

I WANTED TO UPDATE.
I SPEND SO FUCKING LONG TRYING TO FUCKING UPDATE.
I WANTED TO FUCKING UPDATE ON THE WHOLE WEEK EVENTS.
AND BLOGGER JUST HAD TO FUCKING. SCREW. UP.

I AM SO ANGRY.
I NEED CHOCOLATE MILK.
I NEED I NEED I NEED CHOCOLATE MILK.

NOW GO AWAY YOU FUCKING WHORE.

Hearts and handcuffs.

2008-12-12T22:38:00.001+08:00

Still, I ain't getting any photos. Apologies. I swear if blogger doesn't work it with the photos soon, I'd switch to Lj! God. Izza, survey on the next post? I'm in a rush babe. And I really need to eat!

11 November 2008.
Headed to Wan's barbeque/farewell party after much hesitation to do so. It has been about a year since I even met that guy. Dny really really wanted to go, so I couldn't really say no. Mom was really pissed 'cause I was already out the whole day, but she relented. The chalet was filled with people I used to see, loved and hated but mostly filled with people I've never even met before. And Wan now has jet black hair, which looked really weird on him, considering all this while I'd seen him with blonde hair. Egg bombs and ices in shirts and half-naked men and balloons and funny waterfalls and tons and tons of otah-otah. That was it actually. It was sort of fun, if I wasn't hurting from laughing too much. It's kinda sad that your sentence will be on so soon. I'll pray a lighter sentence for you. You don't deserve being locked up under that kind of circumstance. Honest. The judge will see that. All the best!

I don't know if I'd made the right choices.
But I missed what we had. We'll see what goes on from here.
I'm a dumb ass. But.. I'm a happy dumb ass.
Well that, makes all the difference in the world.

I need to eat. Hungry hungry mega hungry. Till then. Hugs and kisses!
Dny, welcome back! <3

Utter mayhem.

2008-12-07T14:23:00.000+08:00

I wanna post pictures. :/ What the fuck's wrong with Blogger?! :(

05 December 2008.
Typical Trb birthday bash. Met the guys over at Syabrin's crib. Tons of retard jokes, football, and unwanted guests? Awkward much. Dinner over at some coffee shop. My prata came first! :D The others were pretty pissed with the dawdling service. Ate and left for carpark. The whole running left me way breathless. I was breathing heavily the whole way through! Awiss fucking egg hit me right on my arm and it fucking hurts. So fucking much! And then Hussayn egg came. The fucking thing is you can't even stop to take a breath! Decided to sit down and let them do the inevitable. Egg and flour shampooed right on my head! My hair felt like hay by the end of the whole thing. Soon we all got tired and decided to remain dirty and start our talkshows. And doomsday, are you coming soon? Then was, music and singings. Love love love! Reached home around ten. Hot, steaming bath! Finally I don't smell like a concoction of sweat and eggs. Went out around three to meet up with someone. What if I hadn't? Would there be a difference with the way things are now? I'm at a complete loss. And what's fucked up is I only have myself to blame. Why am I so clueless sometimes?! :(

06 December 2008.
Holy crap. I never ever would have expected what you guys did for me. Even though I wasn't there with you guys much, even though I bummed you guys off time and time again, even though I always chose them over you guys, even though for so many months I was being such a slut! I could never thank you enough. Fifteen really huge packages, fifteen candles, one real scrumptious cake, and all nine of you guys. Thanks. Trust me, that whole thing about surprising the shit out of me, it worked. I love all of you. For real. <3

I need to get new books.
I need to get my IC done!
I need to get new stationeries.
I need I need I need to cut my nails.
I need I need I need to pay my darn bills.
And what I so mega need is to clean up my hamster's cage! I'm such a bad owner. :/

Number 10, you're the epitome of gorgeous.
:D Till whenever. Hugs and kisses!

If I told you I don't know what I want anymore, and I would have meant it,
would you have given me a chance?

Just so you know!

2008-12-04T22:28:00.000+08:00

So here's my truckload thanks to those who wished at around 12am;
Renee, Sabrina, Tricia, Fatini, Izza, Zawani, Sywl, Fareed, Danny, Heids, Fizz, Hiryanty.
In actual order.

I'm noting this down so I could remember to return the favour when its your birthdays! :D

Thing's been alright. I most likely gained about 2 kg from lunch and dinner with my sister yesterday. Met at Town around four. Killer crowds! Shopped for dresses, bags and shoes. Awesome fun! Did I mention that I fell in the shopping centre? Fucking hell. Thank fucking God that there wasn't that many people. I fell, along with a three huge plastic bags I had with me. It's been ages since I've been THIS embarrased. Had lunch at Häagen-Dazs. The Cookie Crunch was bloody scrumptious. Heavenly! Walked around some more and shopped shopped! Cabbed back to Woodlands around eight. Ate Pizza Hut. I was forced to finish more then I could eat! Blame greediness! Decided not to hang around Causeway Point because we were so bloody exhausted from all the walking we've done. Reached home around nine. I'd update all the photos we had if blogger wasn't being such a moron. It didn't allow me to upload photos in more then a week already! The last post photos was uploaded from Renee's crib. Blogger's a whore.Washed up a bit before meeting up with Sabby. Thanks for everything. Really. I love you more than you'll ever know!

Other than the fact that I'm a fat piggy now.. I'm actually quite contented.
With the way things have been. Everything's going quite smoothly.

And Zeronine, I'm not really going Port Dickson. Did you really believe me on that one?! :D
And to anyone thinking of doing anything to me anytime at all, forget it.
JUST FREAKING FORGET IT.

Know how afraid I actually am! Pfft. I hate surprises. Fucking hate it.
Till whenever. Hugs and kisses!